My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Stop sending me this shit.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️