I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
#catsoftwitter
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.