Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
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Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!