7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
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Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
every. time.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.