Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake