Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.