[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
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Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Good news
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?