Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.