Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
You Might Also Like
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Two types of dogs.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.