lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
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rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.