Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I put the mess in domestic.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”