When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
craving $300 all of a sudden
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive