[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Yup.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.