Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
You Might Also Like
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
lmaaaaaooooooooo
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities