last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
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Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel