Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
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I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.