I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.