Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you