cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
is it earth
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that