My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000