“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
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HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Truth
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy