“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry