All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I was bored.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.