Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
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Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Born to be mild.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?