I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”