Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
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He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Pretty much! 😂👀
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.