Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I gave up going to work for lent.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE