If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
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A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.