I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
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Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Covid like
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.