Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
New Tinder profile.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.