Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
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Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
You are what you delete.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?