My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
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Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
🤣
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.