[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.