How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
You Might Also Like
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Sorry. Not sorry
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.