[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
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‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner