I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….