[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
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excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.