Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
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Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey