Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
You Might Also Like
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Who chose this font
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Worlds greatest photobomb
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.