We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
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The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
New favorite tiktok
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.