I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
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If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Simple
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you