Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.