Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
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I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Cool shirt 🙂
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I want what they have
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock