Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
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dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.