Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.