Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads