“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
You Might Also Like
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure