[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
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I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
<—- homeless romantic
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀