The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Uh oh…
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert