Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
You Might Also Like
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion